A Brief Overview of Non- Monogamy: Part II
Exploring Alternative Relationship styles with Leanne Yau aka Poly Philia
Exploring non-monogamy for the first time (or for over 20 years) can be a challenge. Fortunately, we have the wise and learned Leanne Yau of Polyphilia Blog to help us navigate the complexities of alternative relationships styles.
Last July hundreds of curious hunnies packed into the Yard theatre to participate in an interactive workshop with Leanne. We discussed everything from the rising appeal of non-monogamy to issues with cohabitation. Over the last few weeks we’ve been taking a look at some of the most valuable insights gleaned.
In this, our second edition of the series, we seek to debunk common misconceptions and offer advice for one of the most prevalent issues people face - how to manage jealousy.
Common misconceptions
Even though non-monogamy has become a lot more prevalent in recent times, it remains shrouded in misinformation and taboo. Some of the most common misconceptions Leanne and members of the audience encountered include;
Opening up a relationship to save it: You can not use non-monogamy to heal a broken relationship. If you are already in a mess, adding more people to the equation will result in a bigger mess (whether that be a baby or a unicorn.)
Non-monogamous people are riddled with STIs: this is false and we have the data to prove it. Justin Lehmiller completed a study in 2015 which found that while ENM people report a higher number of sexual partners than monogamous individuals, this correlates with higher use of protection and STI testing within non-monogamous communities.
Non-monogamous people are afraid of commitment: rather than fear commitment, non-monogamous people open their hearts to committing to multiple partners. We recognise love is abundant.
That you have to have multiple partners: you can identify as non-monogamous and be content at any moment in time having just one partner or none.
Fixes cheating or is for people who have cheated in the past. Non-monogamy relies heavily on open communication and placing trust in your partner(s). Before embarking on opening up the relationship, it’s important to address the root cause of the cheating.
Managing Jealousy
Jealousy is a universal human experience. Non-monogamous individuals are not immune to feelings of envy. Rather than succumbing to the emotion, addressing jealousy is best handled through introspection and understanding its roots. By delving into the source of jealousy, you can often trace it back to core beliefs ingrained through societal conditioning.
Many instances of jealousy stem from a zero-sum mindset, where individuals are taught to be competitive, make constant comparisons, and feel inadequate. It's crucial to recognize that in relationships, you are not a sum of what you have to offer materially; your partner(s) value your unique connection and qualities.
Having said that - it is also very reasonable to implement boundaries for scenarios that may have a higher probability of triggering jealous reactions, such as not dating close friends, co-workers or family members. For many, introducing these relationships into the dating dynamic adds complexity particularly when the fear of being left out becomes a significant concern.
It's important not to shame or guilt trip your partner for experiencing jealousy. Emotions are unpredictable and can arise unexpectedly. Instead of blaming your partner, fostering open communication and exploring the root causes of these emotions can strengthen the relationship. Non-monogamous dynamics thrive on trust, communication, and a commitment to understanding and managing jealousy.
Stay locked in for the final instalment of this series incoming soon. Keep your eyes on @joyride.rave for news of our next workshops.