How to approach your first sex party
For the uninitiated, sex parties can seem like a daunting prospect. Many of us spend months or years toying with the idea of going to one before dipping our toes. Don’t overthink it - with a little bit of preparation and knowledge you’ll be well on your way to feeling your best self at the party.
Here are some of our top tips for navigating your first sex party;
Do your research: Not all sex parties are created equal. Seek out parties that resonate with you. It could be that you’re looking for a space for femmes and non-binary people beyond the cis-male gaze, a party centering sensuality, a hardcore fetish event or a space centering queer exploration.
Approach the party with intention: Thinking about your boundaries ahead of time is important, as well as having a plan for how you’ll communicate them to others. You might still be exploring what boundaries look and feel like for you, or feel different at any given moment. Keep checking in with yourself so you know where you’re at.
Know the rules in place: All parties will have their own rules in place. If they don’t, that’s a red flag. Familiarise yourself with the rules before you go. This will also help you make an assessment about whether it’s the right party for you. The most important rules include practising consent, not making assumptions about the people you meet and 0 tolerance for any form of harassment.
Find people to go with: It doesn’t have to be a partner. Apps like Feeld can be helpful for finding other people in the kink community to attend parties with. Hinge has also improved its queer and non-monogamy offering lately, which has meant many kinky huns are returning to the app. Lex is also a good spot for connecting with femme and NB queers. Most events will have a social before the party where you’re encouraged to rock up alone and meet people.
Whoever you go with, make sure it’s someone you feel comfortable around and who you can chat with about your intentions and expectations.
Get a lewk together: First, check what dress-code the party has in place. Nudity is not a prerequisite, prioritise your own comfort. You can’t go wrong with leather, latex, mesh, chains, lingerie, lace etc. But try to get creative with your lewk. Be bold, outlandish and not afraid of colour. Kinkwear can be costly. Try to think of your fits as investment pieces and shop from queer community brands when you can like Aimless Gallery, Trolley Vinyl and Yer Won. This of course won’t be possible for everyone.
You can find affordable and sustainable kinkwear on Depop, Ebay and Vinted or local car boot sales. Recent innovations in the design world have also seen crafty kinksters making their looks from 3D printed materials. Body paint, fishnets and chains from the hardware store are all affordable ways to build a look.
Don’t put pressure on getting the ride: There is so much more to a sex party than sex. These are liberatory, empowering spaces where you can come, meet like-minded people, find community, explore your identity and way of being.
Keep an open-mind: Approach the space with curiosity. You might discover new things you're interested in, or you might find that some activities are not for you.
Don’t get out of your mind: It’s natural to feel nervous about your first sex party, but overdoing it on substances will take away from the experience and impact your ability to consent. Go slow, take breaks, drink water and let someone know if you’re not feeling good.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, there are many other things you can do to prepare for your first party experience. Above all else, remember to prioritise your own boundaries, comfort and consent. And have fun.
Written by MJ Fox @mj.fox_, edited by Lydia Fikan